Monthly Archives: June 2013

Insert witty title here

That moment when you hear he is on a date. And i am at work of financial year drinks. Why didn’t I think of that? My heart sinks. I actually felt ill. Several friends had to physically restrain me from leaving. I don’t know what it is about him. And I probably never will. But hearing of him with another girl makes me ill.

It might be the 9 wines I’ve had tonight talking, but why doesn’t he like me? Gosh I hate when I hear girlfriends ask me that. Beautiful, independent, competent girlfriends. Why is that a relationship is still such a measure of success? Even in my career as a lawyer, I am given extra work because I don’t have a partner to got home to. Discrimination much? But I’m rambling. Back to the bastard that almost made me tear up in my vodka lime soda. She can have him. Stuff her. She might be beautiful and independent and confident but I know for a fact they’ll never have what we did.

That will have to be my only consolation tonight. There are just some ones you don’t get over so easy.

Bitch, don’t kill my vibe..

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What’s the female equivalent of the cock block? Beaver cleaver?

Whatever it is, ladies, chicks over pricks. It’s a rule of science.

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“It’s nothing but time and a face that you lose” – Your Ex Lover Is Dead, Stars

Is there really anything more than time and a face that you lose when a relationship ends? It is often the first thing I mourn, more than the person: wasted time. It is such a cliche to have a friend console, ala Charlotte York, that no relationship is a waste of time because you “learnt something”. But I can honestly say I haven’t learnt shit since I dated more than a decade ago.

Lets look at the evidence:

I still date men that are totally emotionally unavailable, usually with mother/sister/grandmother issues

I still manage to make the men I don’t like, fall helplessly for me, annoyingly without trying. Then hook up with them thinking that will make me like them. It doesn’t. It just makes them hate you when they realise you didn’t fall too.

I still insist on not texting back a man if he wore bad shoes. Sisters, I know you feel this. It’s not shallow. It’s discerning.

I still wear the same yellow long sleeved silk blouse and jeans, with high heeled brown boots on every single first date I go on.

Regardless of the weather or location of the date. And I still always get compliments.

I still insist of dating friends of friends. Just because you have someone in common does not stop them from being a c@!t.

I still blindly believe that I am going to meet my future lover in the supermarket/library/queue at the RTA. I am not in a hollywood rom-com, but try telling me that as I put on mascara to get milk.

So when something ends, and my tried and tested relationship formula hasn’t worked out, I can hardly be surprised anymore can I?

I have ended one relationship without a second thought. It was 2008, and after 18 months together (in which I got it pretty good, his family were loaded) I woke up one morning and could hardly stand the thought of him touching me. I went to work, threw up from the realisation that it was over, then promptly took myself home to break up with him. After stopping in at a girlfriends house, wailing for half an hour, drying my eyes and hardening the fuck up, I went to his place.

And haven’t shed a tear since.

I calmly walked into his room, started to pack my belongings, and somewhat cruelly let his pleading voice wash over me. There was nothing he could have done to change my mind: it was over. The relationship was so dead it had a toe tag.

After the dust settled (lots of mutual friends, lots of mutual social awkwardness) I realised and truly believed that you don’t lose anything when a relationship ends other than time and a memory. That person no longer becomes your everything. You really, like it or not, start a new chapter.

So at the risk of going all Charlotte on your arse, if you’re in the throes of mourning the end of something great, or like me, not so great, take heart. That person you mourn, will one day, in the wise words of Goyte, only become somebody that you used to know. That is the beauty of time.

On a positive endnote, that chap I so callously dumped came out of the closet earlier this year. Not directly to me of course. We have barely spoken more than monosyllabic mumbles to each other since that day. I like to think that he had the best woman he was ever going to have, so no longer bothered with the gender as a whole.

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“Loving every minute because you make me feel so alive” – Alive, Empire of the Sun

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First date butterflies. There is nothing better. That sweet anticipation of the unknown, the possibilities, the future.

Romeo

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“You have people come into your life shockingly and surprisingly. You have losses that you never thought you’d experience. You have rejection and you have to learn how to deal with that and how to get up the next day and go on with it” – Taylor Swift

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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”, Wannabe, Spice Girls

I blame the biggest pop group phenomenon of the 90’s for twenty-something year old male’s compete and utter inability to be in monotonous relationships without feeling like they are in the process of having a root canal. I mean seriously, if 5 scantily clad women sing at you to make out with a girls friends in order to get with the actual girl, I’m sure there’s going to be some confusion.

Let me clarify.

They didn’t mean it literally.

I have a close group of girlfriends. And growing up we had a close group of guy friends. At a recent wedding which (not surprisingly) merged the two group of friends by law under God, out of 5 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids, there had been exactly 9 sexual partners. Impressive, considering one had been married for several years and therefore wasn’t included in the calculations.

I don’t know what it is about the Y generation that think its completely acceptable to date each others sloppy seconds. Aren’t you just a little worried that its all going to go a little How I Met Your Mother?

Once upon a time when I worked in hospitality, I dated a dud of a guy. He has even been the subject of an earlier post. But after I’d finished with him, it was a mere matter of weeks before a colleague had started dating him without so much as blinking an eye! I can’t really talk. I’ve hooked up (dance floor pashes, people, nothing saucy) with 3 guys that were all mates within the space of a year (2009, or 200 -and-wine, it was loose). And I cringe to this day to think of them fist pumping it.

So I hereby pledge henceforth, I will not hook up with a guy that has more than 35 mutual Facebook friends. That automatically reduces the chances that I have already hooked up with some of his friends, or he of mine.

Challenge myself to find new, not recycled men to enjoy.

Challenge accepted!

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Leeward Side, Josh Pyke

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Yeezus! He said what?

To celebrate or commiserate the release of Kayne’s newest offering, I have reminisced about his past pearls of wisdom on matters of the heart. I can’t tell if he’s the worlds biggest douche bag or should host a dating program ala Oprah… But amongst all the bitches, niggas, hoes- he actually has half a clue about this little thing called love.

Keep your love lockdown

Love lockdown

What’s your addiction?
Is it money? Is it girls? Is it weed?
I’ve been afflicted by not one, not two, but all three

Addicted

Ain’t nothing last forever,
But be honest babe,
It hurts but it may be the only way

Heard em say

It’s been a week without me,
And she feels weak without me.
She wanna talk it out, but
Ain’t nothin left to talk about.

The New Workout Plan

For a chance at lovin’ you,
I’d gladly risk it all.

Through the wire

I can’t keep myself
And still keep you too

Love lockdown

Never was much of a romantic,
Could never take the intimacy

Runaway

He only wanna see that ass in reverse
Two thousand dollar bag with no cash in the purse

Blood on the leaves

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Sometimes you just have to dive on in…

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