“The only way is up, baby, for you and me now” -‘The only way is up’ – Yazz

There comes a time in a young lady’s privileged life that she will inevitably fall for the bad boy. I chose a slighter watered down version. It wasn’t like this guy carried a pocket knife and a prior conviction, and his only tattoo was of an elephant (oh so badass) but he did like the grass. Weed. Pot. Ganja. Marijuana. Whatever name you gave it. He’d smoke it.

I’m not actually sure if this is what attracted me to him. That’s not something even with the benefit of hindsight I can ascertain. I must have been smoking something a little harder than the old skunk when we hooked up. He kinda looked that like 90’s cartoon character ‘Hey Arnold’ and he even earned the moniker ‘Football Head’ from my girlfriends. We met through mutual friends and I don’t really think he ever took me on a date. Badish boys don’t do something so common I spose. We did once hang out at his place of employment (read: skanky hotel north of the city) whilst he worked on his entrepreneurial project (read: made necklaces for men out of chain and pendants).

Other than that it was me watching him smoke the good stuff on his balcony surrounded by a constant stream of people coming and going to join him. Other than both breathing, there wasn’t a hell of a lot in common. We once watched “Into the Wild” whilst spawned on a grotty mattress and ate 3 buckets of popcorn. Quite embarrassingly I managed to keep up with his appetite, despite never having had even so much as a puff. It wasn’t my drug of choice.

It wasn’t long till I learnt that the ads the Australian Government place on toilet doors to deter youngins from drugs actually have a ring of truth to them. He wasn’t so.. Um.. able in the bedroom. It couldn’t possibly have been me (dear god let this be true) so I’m putting the blame squarely in his..erm, lap.

Half a dozen failed attempts later over a few more nights kinda sealed the deal. And not in the good way. I found him out on the balcony with tears in his eyes, and, you guessed it, a lit spliff in the other. I took my first and last drag, returned to the bedroom to get dressed and hailed a cab.

Couple months later he started dating a girl I worked with. It was such a relief to look her in the eyes when she asked for my blessing and truthfully wish them well. Not. My. Issue.

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